THINGS THAT MADE MY DAY

auto elictrecal shop (kung anong bigkas, siyang baybay.)

bawal magpatae ng aso sa kalsada (they have a point, don't they? this ad was nicely painted in billboard-type material. i bet they spent a great deal of money just to get this message across. talk about social awareness.)

SOME THINGS

Some things are not meant to be. But now, I choose to think that these very same things are meant not to be.

REVERIE

I have stopped daydreaming.

Maybe it's because I am too old to daydream. Maybe I already am preoccupied with a lot of different things that I need not busy myself with make-believe thoughts. Maybe I am finally getting more in touch with the "real" world that I have, alas, convinced myself that no matter how long I indulge in wishful thinking none of which will ever come true. Not in this lifetime.

I have realized how sad it is to not believe in fairy tales, happily-ever-after endings, magic and Neverland anymore. Even if I know for a fact that abracadabras do not cast spells, that open sesames do not open portals, and that fairy godmothers do not exist, they somehow make me hold onto something in this screwed up world -- that no matter crappy my life turns out to be, there is a better world out there.

It really is sad that my unicorn has died.

IF I WERE GIVEN A SINGLE QUESTION TO ASK THEM

nietzsche - were you really in love with your sister?

superman - how skimpy is it down there?

smiley - do they call you frowny when you frown?

big brother - how big is it?

santa claus - how do you enter houses without being mistaken as an akyat-bahay gang member?

jesus - what is the best euphemism i can use for @#$& ~@*?

adolf hitler - if i say you're hot, would you take it as a compliment?

nick carter - were you once really a girl?

pamela anderson - did you just keep your swimming reflex or do you really float on swimming pools?

cupid - why him?

HER

Even if I sometimes start enumerating a hundred reasons why I should exchange her for a puppy, I always end up with a single reason that suffices to change my mind: it always is nice to have a little sis.

UNCANNY SENSE OF HUMOR

the things that made my day:

sweet na sweet... hotel... clean... cozy... convenience... (i do not think that they believe in the concept of parallelism. but i do believe that they are obsessed with ellipses... don't... you... think?...)

villegas fright service. (just out of sheer curiousity, i might avail myself of this service.)

quickcash: sanla ur car. (i have difficulty convincing myself that the coniotic language is now an epidemic. oh and the text-breviations as well. OMG.)

erase placenta: ang placenta ni mystica. (this text comes with an oh-so-gorgeous close-up picture of mystica. i think i'll prefer looking at the placenta. but... one point: why would you want to erase your placenta?!)

THE NERVE

you know exactly how to get into my nerves. i imagine you smiling smugly as i turn red. and it instinctively turns me purple.

you are not doing anything in particular but just the sight of you makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs while telling myself, "this is cathartic... this is cathartic..." over and over again. no, i don't want to do that with the mere sight of you, but with the mere thought of you.

it is not in my nature to hate someone as much as i hate you -- especially you -- but you just make it so easy for me to be a bee-yatch (as much as i hate to admit it).

and i do not want to give you the pleasure of knowing how much you piss me off. but what the heck?! you, indeed, piss me off. so indulge in the feeling that you're one helluvan antagonist in my almost-perfect life. bah!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ON JANUARY 6, 2006

• it was the best new year present i've ever received.
• i rate it as way better than diamond earrings (although, maybe i'll change my mind if the diamond earrings come).
• i've been crying for no reason at all for the past two weeks.
• his friend had a surprise party. i was invited. i changed my mind on the last minute. i didn't come.
• i assumed he'd be having a blast.
• it was a test if he'd be keeping his promise. or more of a test for me if i could keep my patience.
• i lost hope. he's never going to be really beside me.
• it is very taxing trying to convince yourself that you're a hundred percent secure in a relationship.
• one message received. my world turned upside down. gravity sucking all the expectations and all the hope.
• i lied on the couch. stared blankly on the TV not really understanding why those telenovela actors' lips do not coincide with the phonemes that i perceived them as uttering.
• i was on the brink of crying.
• the doorbell rang. i didn't want to get it for i know it was just my sister. but i got it anyway. she brought my beef misono. i thought i needed to forget my misery by binging.
• i checked the peephole. noone's there.
• i opened the door. it wasn't my sister. it was him.
• i couldn't describe how happy i am.
• he brought carnations. they're my favorite. they're beautiful.
• he kissed my forehead. twice. the second even more sincere than the first (check wish list).
• he told me how much he loved me. it was even more sincere than the kiss on the forehead.
• we hugged for a long time.
• there were bells in every corner of my world.
• he wanted to get me a ring and propose to me that night. but he didn't have enough moolah. with or without a ring. with or without a bouquet. the moment would still be more than amazing.
• he couldn't afford to lose me.
• there was a time when he thought this may be the time in his life when he may not be needing his friends anymore.
• his family loves me. and i love them more.
• he loves my family. i'm not sure, though, if it is mutual.
• i couldn't afford to lose him.
• from the book of tobit: "he has every right to claim her," "hold it and do not let it get away."

HAPPY NEW ME

I never tire of making a list of my new year’s resolutions no matter how certain I am that come February, I will forget more than half of it. But there is a certain security that comes from the mere fact of listing. Plus, there is a certain confidence on the proverbial “there is no harm in trying.”

So, with a conscious realization that I might not really carry the following out, here goes my list:

1. my actions will now epitomize maturity.
a. I will stop biting my nails.
b. I will resist the urge to ask my friends to do pompyang or bato-pik whenever we cannot decide on something.
c. When faced with major decisions, I will stop resorting to eenie-meenie-miney-moe.
d. i will stop feeling bad when someone asks to have a piece of the chips that i'm eating or a bite of my cookie. sharing, as they say, is pleasurable.
e. i will stop sulking because of the fact that i have received only Php 600 this Christmas (the least since i was 9 months old), even if the fact that the Php 500 came from my own dad makes the feeling a lot worse.

2. hedonism will not be on the top of my priorities even if it spells I being bereft of animalistic happiness. haha!
a. i will stop deriving pleasure from seeing others trip, stumble, black out, faint, or be in other mishaps.
b. i will shave off and begin to repent for my mortal sin: gluttony.
c. i will try to undo being labeled as a brat -- wanting something and getting it (or having others get it for me) no matter what.
d. i will stop deriving pleasure from being the sole nay sayer in an almost consensual group.
e. i will stop deriving pleasure from friends who have no inkling that they are about to be made fun of.

3. and last but definitely not the least -- i will quit smoking.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
i do not smoke. the last is to ensure that i will have a resolution fulfilled for the coming year.

WISH LIST 2

to all those who are kindled with the spirit of generosity and fat-pockets, here are a few of my well-deserved gifts. i have been very neutral this year (the nice and the naughty deeds cancel each other out).

1. shu uemura cleansing oil (special request: i want the bigger bottle).
2. book: 100 strokes of the brush before bed by margareth P.
3. i-pod or zen special Sting (not U2) edition
4. yellow and gray jazz shoes
5. GC for a spray tan
6. bjork's paparazzi-worthy swan gown
7. Sony PSP with 101 MDs (pacman is a must)
8. wedding in las vegas (swift and alcohol-blessed)
9. brad pitt's humps
10. a 5-page love letter

happy holidays! eat your heart out then afterwards, sweat it out (disclaimer: i do not heed my own advice).

UNBELIEVABLE. I STILL GET THOSE BUTTERFLIES IN MY GUT

i guess it still is to my advantage that my boyfriend is not the very-sweet-i'll-go-out-of-my-way-just-to-please-you kind of guy. it also is very helpful that he is one of those people that fall just within the mean, never an outlyer, never an exception. whenever i think of a prototype of the male species, i think of my guy. this, indeed, makes it a whole lot easier to deal with him. if-then statements are so applicable to him.

i stress that this is not a bad thing.

when he isn't very sweet 24/7, and when there are a few times -- okay, a lot of times -- that he fails to reassure me that we're perfect for each other, i admit that i sometimes -- okay, oftentimes -- paranoid. can you blame me? i'm a girl for peter pan's sake! and as a rule (i hope i can say a rule of thumb so that it can have an impact on his masculine obligations), i have to hear compliments every five minutes. this does not mean, though, that i am one insecure b***h, i simply am attached to the habit of fishing.

and obviously, he doesn't give me that. i wouldn't want something that i already have, would i? and i thank him for doing so. since the few, unexpected times that he does spill out on how he really feels towards me, make me realize how important the word seldom is. habituation elevates my threshold and i wouldn't want to miss out on those simple, trivial, commonplace "kilig" moments.

OFTENTIMES, EVERYTHING CONSPIRES TO F*** YOUR DAY UP

and the archenemy always make it a point to strike back. although the word 'back' is a misnomer since you never struck first.

and then you receive a message from your ex-bestfriend. half of you wishes you could be that again (bestfriends that is). but then the other half knows that it will never be as it used to. and then your day gets gloomier.

you've always hated gray skies. but then the weather today dampens your spirit all the more.

your day will now be filled with forced smiles and throat laughters, and not to mention curses that only you can hear.

COLDS

I hate the 'ber months. not because I'm not a Christmas person, as a matter of fact, I still believe in Santa and to hell with those who say that the Santa i know is my mom. Duh. For one, Santa Claus is male. My mom is female. Santa has lots of elves. My mom doesn't have one (i don't count, alright?). Santa Claus' only preoccupation is to make toys or supervise his elves in making toys. My mom's only favorite toy is the frying pan. Santa takes note if every little kid is naughty or nice. My mom tells everyone that her kids are always nice despite finding a thousand and one reasons to ground us every other week. although, i can remember a time when i found price tags on my toys and candies inside my Santa sock, i refuse to believe that that is reason enough for me to believe that Mama is Santa. Maybe Santa made some cut-throat measures and decided to demote or let go of a few elves and purchased instead of make brand new toys.

I am a Christmas, or a Santa person if I may say, so that is not the reason why I hate this time of the year. It is because I'm not into the chilly-slash-windy-yule-breeze season. I'd rather spend a decade under the scorching heat of the sun (alright. i'm exaggerating. not a decade. maybe two days at most) and soak with my own precious sweat than spend a night with the air conditioner on high cool. i can sleep soundly during a blackout (without any source of ventilation) but never during nights when the aircon just cannot resist staring at my face. i love the heat, not only because I'm *ehem* hot per se, but because... just because...

I now have Colds and his bestfriend Cough is gradually welcoming itself as well. No thanks to the very unpredictable weather. i take vitamin C every day but i hate that the knight costume isn't enough to guard me against these two stronger C's. I never liked either of the two. Who does? I sleep with two pillows although I’m used to sleeping with just one or none, for me to breathe more easily. If I sleep with less pillows, the mucous might go directly to my precious brain and cause it to be viscous and useless. I’m more afraid of a useless and sticky brain than death. I also breathe with my mouth. How much gross can this get? There are no cilia in my mouth – I believe – so how will I filter all the polluted air that I inhale? Plus, I look funny while sleeping with my mouth open and my throat becomes so dry. And the worst of it all: I snore! What will that do to my poise?! What if I become a housemate in PBB and then suddenly, I get colds? And then everyone will find out that I snore! I hate sniffles... I hate my life…

TO REMIND ME EVERY TIME I THINK OF SPLITTING UP

I am writing this down because I do not want to forget this ever: he took care of me while I am sick. Not because we had a fight a day before. I felt that he genuinely wanted to do it for me. It was really special.

WISH LIST

these are what my piscean self hopes for (note: a significant other is a must):

1. to sleep while holding hands with him
2. for him to look back at me and watch me as i walk away
3. for him to shave his goatee as a gift for me (and my dad)
4. to spend one whole day with him isolated from the rest of the world
5. to slow dance with him
6. to be kissed on the forehead in the gentlest way possible
7. to be watched by him as i sleep
8. to receive a surprise visit
9. to be carried a la newly wed
10. to live happily ever after

REASONS FOR THE ABOVE

1. seldom will you find a guy who finds peace in sleeping beside you minus the hopes of filling you up. even more seldom will you find a guy who finds peace in sleeping beside you and only you for the rest of his life. If ever I’d be lucky enough to convert jared into that kind of guy (I’m not saying that he’s not. It's just that I cannot be a hundred percent sure at the moment) I’d allow him to go beyond holding a hand in bed. I’d let him hold both my hands.

2. at least when you suddenly trip or fall down the stairs, you have options: (a) you can look back at him and when you realize that he’s also looking, maybe laughing, at you, you can get up and take a bow for your sole *crossed fingers* audience (I thank Miriam Quiambao for this option); or (b) you can run to him as fast as you could (be sure to be more careful not to trip again) and cry your heart out saying that “it hurts! I cannot take this anymore!” When taking option B and the unfortunate second trip happens, you may resort to option (c): kill yourself.

3. this is under the assumption that my significant other has a goatee. Shaving his goatee may mean a lot of important things: (a) he values how he’ll appear in front of my dad who will surely equate a goatee with drug addiction; (b) I’m more important to him than his goatee; (c) I’ll be certain that he has no dandruff on the chin; and most importantly (d) he’s not a goat.

4. I can do things to him in isolation which I won’t be able to with all the familiar faces around us. I can get him to dance “Lick It.” I can ask for proof that he has no birthmark anywhere in his body. And I can ask for a lap dance.

5. fast dances simply do not work.

6. I’ve been kissed there before and I felt like a lola. I want a kiss that would make me feel like a... lolo.

7. I’m afraid of ghouls and ghosts, as well as akyat-bahay gang members. I cannot afford a bodyguard and so, it would be nice if he’ll watch me as I sleep and adore my beauty (this is a requirement) despite the way I frown or wrinkle my face and the way I drool, which I stress is very, very seldom.

8. I love surprises and I love visits and, with the use of common sense, I would love it twice as much if I receive a surprise visit. Yey! Note: don’t do this when I’m inside the bathroom or when I’m about to pick my nose.

9. this is to make sure that his biceps are strong enough, that he can carry me out of the house during (God forbid) a fire, and that I am not fat and heavy.

10. If fairy tales end a wedding with this phrase, then I am not sure if happily-ever-after includes all the nagging and the fights that come afterwards. If it doesn’t then out of curiosity, I would like to experience what it does include. I hope it’s not equivalent to being anesthetized for life.

i envy those with beautiful pages

- i wish i know how to edit my page (or else i'm sticking with polka dots).
- shut up, bro. i'm not a techie, i know. and you don't have to rub it on my face. i spend an average of 3 hours a week connected to the internet, and those mostly are for business purposes. ayheytchoo...
- have you ever heard of perseverance? la lang. have you ever heard of it lang?
- woah. it's 3:35 pm. i still have to take a shower. i stink. and oh, i've been online for 4 hours straight. yeah.

PINOY BIG BROTHER

i hate this show but i watch it every night. i guess this is comparable to that itch of looking at your ex's new girlfriend's friendster/multiply/my space/ringo account to find something to critique so as to be able to tell yourself that it wasn't your fault he dumped you.

no, this entry is not about my love life. we're still together, thankyouverymuch.

jesca was right, "nagpapasok sila ng malandi tapos pag lumandi, bibigyan nila ng punishment." this was in reference to chix-sam's kissing rendezvous.

i wonder how they chose the housemates. they picked people with different personalities in hope of a conflict, i believe. but don't you think that locking them up for a hundred days without any contact with the outside world and with their source of social support will change their personalities in one heck of a way?

if i were in bahay ni kuya, i'd also kiss sam. then go straight to the confession room and say, "punish me. oh, punish me big brother. i'm sorry, shoti. i'm sorry dad, mom. sorry to all my values education and christian living teachers. i'm only human. and he's sam." haha!

or maybe i'd ask uma frankly if he's gay or not. if he's not, why refuse cass' attempts to seduce him?

or maybe i'll ask say if she really was a cheerleader. why can't she dance then? sam is even better than her. he figure skates, dude.

or maybe i'll just play sipitin mo ako with jayson and franzen.

GOODBYE ZITS

two more all nighters to go. phew!

i don't have anything to write right now.
or should i say, i don't feel like writing now.
but i am writing.
bah.

WRITE UP

george, i've read the lyrics and thank you for thinking so.

"lucy in the sky with diamonds"

perfect.

do you know that this is a drug-related song, too?

ME ii?

Beauty pleases the eyes only;Sweetness of disposition charms the soul- ~Voltaire (1694-1778) ~
Its not only fine feathers that make fine birds
-Aesop

(…) but I don’t need to be an Aesop or a Voltaire to tell the world how mighty incredible, and of course gorgeous, ninx is. Beauty would be an understatement. Her face, perfect. Her body, fabulous. Her brains, marvelous. AND SO ON! She is a terrific dancer, and says she can die in a heartbeat if she could dance with Janet Jackson. Congratulations, immortality is now hers! At wag kayo ha, may boses din ito, siyempre ano ba naman to, pipi?! She just can’t accept the hard reality that she and singing are not exactly meant to be. (Its ok ninx, the truth really hurts.) But seriously, Ninx, is a consistent “A” student, not-much of a “GC-type” of student, but she takes studying seriously. And her jokes! Oh god, her jokes. I don’t want to say they're corny, because they’re actually funny naman at times..just kidding! I think you get the idea that she is so fun to be with, she’ll ultimately un-bore you to tears. She has a huge heart, enough to give love to everyone she knows. She is warm, kind, generous and so nice. She’s an angel. Everything about her is made to perfection, that you will actually love her to death.

***thank you, shoti (esp. jesca) for this write up. yabyu!

ME?

You’ve never met a girl with both beauty and brains if you haven’t met Ninx. She is the physical evidence of people who can have it all. And you think that’s enough? This girl has creativity under her belt as well. Ms. Snow White herself, despite her poise and seemingly meek appearance (not forgetting her being soft-spoken), this girl can bring the house down in an instant with her dance moves that will make you go “Whoa!”, a singing voice that will make you smile, and an unending supply of jokes… both the good and corny ones, that will make you laugh your heart out no matter what. Not forgetting that her laugh is distinctive enough that it will never fail to make one turn around and say: “Hay naku, si Ninx, nag-joke na naman!”. A hopeless romantic at heart, she never settles for second best. Rather she works hard to find and get the best.. In spite of troubles and stress, she manages to pick herself up and hear bells ringing. Known as shoti by a lot of people, but truly, only shoti to one. In spite of her unending stream of achievements and talents, she manages to remain humble. She never fails to be there for her friends and family whenever they need her. A genuine person. A hardworking student. A true friend. ting!

***thank you, casper, for this write up. love yah! i love the "ting!"

KISS AND MAKE UP

i love today. nothing beats winning back a friend and loving him all the more.

the ring fits nicely on my ring finger again. nothing beats a kiss-sealed vow.

you laugh like you used to again. nothing beats your company.

your hug is like nobody else's. nothing beats an i-missed-you-so-much hug.

i want you to be one of my "forever friends." nothing beats an us.

MOST EMBARRASING EXPERIENCES

We were riding an FX taxi on our way home. As I was looking out the car window, guess what I saw outside? Inside Chick N’ Dips, behind the glass wall was a little girl, aged 5 to 6, to my estimate. She was looking at the people seated outside the restaurant. She then hiked her skirt up, bit her fingernails, and showed her black undies to the world (take note: the kid was wearing BLACK panties) and then rubbed her you-know-what to the glass wall the way bold stars seduce men or women. I wonder what she wants to be when she grows up. As Jared commented, “Parang yung mga nasa aquarium ah.” We were so mean to the little girl.

Wait. How did Jared know about girls and aquariums?!


In the mall, there was this 30 something man. He was looking for a grocery basket and - wow - there it was, just around the corner. Walk. Walk. Walk. Then… boom! Glass door! He seemed as though he has forgotten his name due to the gravity of the collision. Poor guy…


I’m sorry, shoti, but I love telling this story. When Jared was in high school, he had no idea he will be having an exam on one of his subjects (don’t ask me how he forgot about it). He crammed the review just an hour before his first class. But unfortunately, he was asked by the teacher to lead the morning prayer. Needless to say, he got zero in his exam. Zilch. Blame the “shortest term memory.”


I remember Emer, Jared’s friend, texted me this message “What’s the matter, Alma Mater?” I can say I was pretty amazed with the rhyme (haha. I was), that is why I told myself that I will definitely use it given the chance. And there it was. Guess what I smugly said? “What’s the problem, Alma Mater?” As suave as that.


Grade six. I was asked what ALT in the computer keyboard stands for. Again, I smugly answered, “all together.” Dumb. I know. But hey. I had a point. You never press ALT alone. ALT and some other key should be pressed “all together.” There’s some logic, right?


Third year high school, we were in a clinic and I wonder why I read the poster aloud. “/he-pa-ti-tis-sa/” Ambobo. It was supposed to be /he-pa-tay-tis—ey/. But I swear the typist forgot to press the space bar after hepatitis and before the A.


I have loads of most embarrassing experiences. But my mostEST embarrassing experience was when a jeepney dragged me. This happened during my freshman year in UP. I was on my way up for a ride but the stupid driver was on the rush for more passengers. I lost my balance. I fell. And I scarred my knees. Have I mentioned I was wearing a skirt then? Good thing it didn’t rise up to show my undies (aww… I remember the aquarium kid). I shrilled. The jeepney stopped. I went up to ride the same jeepney. Smiled at the rest of the world and said, “hehe. Ok lang po ako.” Then I put the Sprite can I was holding to relieve the pain on my knees. From then on, I have never brought an opened Sprite while boarding a jeepney.

TWO THUMBS UP

Sometimes, life offers us mind-boggling questions that lead us to all-nighters. “What sensory modality can’t you live without?” It really is more difficult to answer than “why did the chicken cross the road?

I was asked the same question before and I thought I undoubtedly could not live without my sense of sight. But I do not think it still holds true today. With the inspiration of Stevie Wonder (I can still play with piano keys or whatever for that matter), Daredevil (superheroes can do without X-ray vision, or vision per se), and Miguel (imagine being in the MVP of the basketball league, a master martial artist and being the “Sugo”), I now believe that being blind is not a bad thing after all.

Losing my audition is not so bad either. Even Grissom knows that not being able to hear properly is not a detriment even in crime scene investigators. Plus, I could just imagine how peaceful and serene my life would be without the noise pollution, gossips and negative news around.

I admit that my chemical senses are very vital for me since I love food and its wide variety of flavors. But looking at it at a brighter perspective, at least I would lose my sweet tooth. No more unnecessary cravings and binging on sucrose-rich delicacies, and not to mention unwanted add-ons in pounds.

And the winner is (drum rolls, please… tadan!) my sense of touch. The somatosensory system consists of a wide array of functions such as maintaining balance, monitoring movement and the positions of body parts, sensing touch, pressure, changes in temperature and pain. I would not want to topple or stumble every other step since I could not cooperate with my center of gravity. Being a somnambulist or sleep-walker that I am, I would not want to unconsciously walk upside down since I do not have a sense of where my feet are. I also love hugs and massages; therefore, touch and pressure are vital for me. The heat and the cold are important for warm-blooded animals like me since monitoring temperature changes have important implications on homeostasis and body regulation. And pain? Life would not be life without pain. If I do not have a sense of what pain is, I would not have a sense of pleasure, as well.

Caresses have done wonders with my crying sprees when I was a child. Vicks is right, nothing beats haplos-ginhawa. And since I know where my fingers are, I can definitely give the sense of touch a two thumbs up.

HAPPY AND WENT LUCKY

god, i love life. and not having to impress anybody with any of my achievements and "it-ness."

it, indeed, is true. you get to live just once so live it well. this is so cliche but, hey, cliches won't be cliches if they weren't up for something true. if i die tomorrow, will my GWA matter? will i get to wear my low-rider jeans at my own wake? will anyone notice how supple my lips are and wonder what lipgloss i used? will anyone be impressed that my calendar and "things-to-do list" is very organized? i bet not.

so, why the hell bother with them? i'm through with being preoccupied with stuff (i cannot enumerate them all) that i tend not to notice the people around me. i used to be so busy dashing and rushing from here and there that i don't get to have some serious chit-chats (if there are serious chit-chats) with others. how can i forget "tuesdays with morrie" this soon?

i think i have a better question for myself now: if i die tomorrow, how many people will attend my wake?

I'M SMILING NOW

i have never felt this stressed for such a long time (see date of "Burn Out"). i do experience uberstress twice in a sem on average, and they usually last for a week or two. but a sem-long breakdown, what the hell is that?!

i have four subjects this sem (plus two labs) and it feels like i really am committing suicide. i have loads of things to do, not just for acads but for my orgs as well, and not to mention my family, friends, and boyfriend. Lordgod, i'm just one person.

but then i realize that it is not the workload that is pressuring me. what does so are the expectations of people around me and my own expectations, too. they expect me to do so well on exams and stuff. likewise, i expect myself to do so, too. and when i don't, i do feel bad.

so, now, i have come to a brilliant yet stupid solution. to hell with expectations. to hell with excellence. to hell with medals and honors. to hell with wrinkles. i'm sorry, guys, i do not want to falter. but i have wrinkles to think about. i do not want to look 10 years older in 5 months time.

but i can do this. there is nothing i cannot overcome. i will pass through this. not excellently, maybe. but at least, i'll survive. i hope...

LONG LOST KUYA

have you ever had someone in your life who has been almost like an older brother to you? i bet a lot of people have. but have you ever experienced losing him in just a snap? you have had no communication -- not even a "hu u?" -- for almost a year (was that a year? i really couldn't remember). and when you least expect it, when you thought he doesn't even remember that you had the most prominent beauty mark/mole, he calls you up in the middle of the night and says hi.

You don’t know how you’d feel. If you’d be glad that he remembered to call, or mad since he suddenly disappeared like (warning: cliché) a burst bubble, or sad because you don’t know if he still is the same person or you still are the same person or you both still are the same towards each other, or excited since you have a lot of catching up to do.

He told you that he has read your blog and he thinks you do not have a heart anymore, in terms of writing that is. That’s scary. But you know that that is so not you. You have always used your heart. You have always let your heart get in the way of important decisions. You have always thought that the heart is still superior over the brain. But he just didn’t see it. Or maybe he’s right. Or maybe not. And you want to thank him for still thinking of you. Or how your mind works now. Or how your heart doesn’t. you still want to thank him for paying attention.
You remember telling him you miss him before hanging up and all he said was “oo” in a very I-couldn’t-care-less tone. You said to yourself sarcastically, “that was nice.” But yeah, he just didn’t hear the “I miss you.” He’s forgiven.

ABSOLUTE THRESHOLD

Ma’am Mendoza… psych 135, rather… is so right. Notice how we have different sensitivities for different things. Most boys always check out girls’ feet (if they are not checking their bumpers or their rears). Ma’am mendoza’s children have this thing for ballpens. My dad is pretty sensitive as to what his daughters wear. my mom pays real attention to other people's jewelry. den cannot forgive wrong grammar. i, for one, have this thing for teeth and smiles. i love big teeth and toothy smiles. i think gummy smiles are unattractive. no offense to those with huge gums or small teeth, i am just stating what my visual sensory modality’s sensitivities are. have you any comments, suggestions or violent reactions, simply SHUT UP.

did i have a bad day? i didn't. as a matter of fact, today was a really fun day. i just wanted to say, "shut up." that's it. no subconscious explanations whatsoever.

if you're pretty sensitive with the words shut and up, well... my shut up shout out to you.

you're right. this is nonsense. my mind isn't functioning properly right now. Shut up to me.

a futile attempt to pose

BURN OUT

I cannot believe that it still is july and yet I already feel a major BURN OUT. Would you believe that I have already thought of dropping a five-unit course? Never mind being underloaded. Never mind not being in the US/CS list. never mind what my parents, or friends (or whoever for that matter) would say. i just want to experience this slow and painful death no more.

luckily (or unluckily), i still have that little piece of sanity in me -- this little piece is LITTLE little, i'm telling you -- so, i opted to stay put FOR THE MOMENT. repeat after me, i want to study. it offers me bliss. i want to study. it offers me bliss. NOT!

argh! (i don't usually type A-R-G-H. so, you could just imagine how stressed i really am that even my fingers echo me). i want to kill anybody who pretends to be a professor, one with a doctorate even. especially if he/she has already spent years in UP tormenting other students the way he has tormented me. especially if he/she has survived the thousands of "one of the worst professors" ratings in semestral evaluation sheets. to hell with kinetics vs thermodynamics. thanks to you, i've convinced myself that med school is not a welcome thought anymore.

BURN IN

but i still am very lucky that i have my Rest. after a really, really loooong day, or after a really, really depressing moment, i know that i can just go home to Rest.

nothing beats a comfy Pillow to hug. and i wouldn't exchange a warm cuddle with my Blanket for the world.

i am so blessed for i know that not everybody gets a Rest. every night, before i hit the sack, i never fail to thank God for giving me a time when i could lay everything down and smile as i dream. i smile because with Rest, i could just be myself without thinking of nothing else. no matter how tragic a day has been, it wouldn't matter. my spirits are lifted. my exhaustion wears off. and i do not say "this is bull!" anymore.

when everything crumbles - everything - i surprise myself that i could still pick myself up from beneath the ruins, not minding the bruises and the pain. a dose of Rest is all it takes.













shoti, do you know that you're my Pillow, my Blanket, and my Rest?

LANDED by BEN FOLDS

We'd hit the bottom,
I thought it was my fault
And in a way I guess it was
I'm just now finding out
What it was all about

Moved to the west coast away from everyone
She never told me that you called
Back when I was still, I was still in love

Till I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye, I tried
And I twisted it wrong just to make it right
Had to leave myself behind
I've been flying high all night
So come pick me up...I've landed

The daily dramas she made from nothing
So nothing ever made them right
She liked to push me and talk me back down
Until I believed I was the crazy one,
and in a way
I guess I was...

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's bye-bye, goodbye I tried
Treading a sea of a troubled mind
Had to leave myself behind
Singing bye-bye, goodbye I tried

If you wrote me off I'd understand it
Because I've been on some other planet
So come pick me up...
I've landed

And you will be so
happy to know
I've come alone,
it's over

But I opened my eyes and walked out the door
And the clouds came tumbling down
And it's by my goodbye I tried
Down comes the reign of the telephone czar
It's OK to call
Now I'll answer for myself

Come pick me up,
...I've landed

RANDOM THOUGHTS

have you ever come to that point when you thought you had everything going on but then every thing else conspires to prove you wrong? well, i have. and i didn't hate the feeling. i enjoyed every single moment of it. i gave in to myself and not to anybody else's expectations.

no matter how many times you re-read the previous paragraph, you wouldn't get me. it is too abstract for you to understand. all else is too random for it to produce a coherent train of thought.

i told myself i would never.
i told myself i shouldn't.
it came.
it conquered.
i tried to fight.
i lost.
i was happy.
then i was sad.
regrets, regrets.
a promise.
and the fear that the promise won't be fulfilled.
confused.
good vs evil.
i'm in between.

MADAM AURING

you have a boyfriend young enough to be your descendant. what in the name of whatever kingdom did you do to him? i thought witches and mangkukulams are just tall-tales.

you were forsaken by your children. why am i not surprised?

and you reconciled with them. this is the least interesting of your gimmicks.

you got pregnant at the age even bingo cards do not recognize. now... that's more like it. you gave hope to every single senior citizen out there who still wanted to spread their genes.

you had a small word-fight with mahal when she -- also, as incredibly and mysteriously sensational as you -- said that the preggy thing was a fraud (talk about not giving up the spotlight). i say you confront her personally and kill her with a toothpick. why did she say that? is she trying to make you look like a liar? no way... if she announces that she's pregnant, too, that means she's uberjealous of you. do not fret. run to the bathroom. take a video of you while taking a shower and bluetooth it to all of your media friends. or better yet, call archie and film something that would knock the heads off of la salle sex scandal stars. chances are fear factor, survivor, extra challenge and kaya mo ba 'to producers would be killing each other for this. imagine. watching you on bed? now, that would really test my stomach.

you declared a few weeks later that having a baby was just a false alarm. i knew it. it was kabag.
weeks later, you were pregnant again. you just never give up. can somebody please give you a dictionary so you could look up the meaning of menopause?!

you were almost gang-raped by seven good-looking men. you were really afraid so you ran as fast as you could. you left your shoes. and you found your prince charming. ok, i made up the last sentence. but still... nothing of which makes sense in a world of non-fiction. hey, madam, next time you make up a story, make the richard gomez and jay manalo look-alike gang rapists amount to... say... 77. that would be more believable. you are being chased by 77 men. but to your dismay, they have no interest whatsoever in your decaying body. they were running after you because they mistook you for michael jackson. they are fans, you know.

you have four foreigner stalkers. they followed you even up to puerto galera where you saw them filming you. sorry to disappoint you, madam, they are not stalkers of you per se. they are staff members of national geographic on the hunt of near-extinct species. beware. they might have asked archie, your gold-digger, news-savvy, boyfriend, to copulate with you so as to increase the number of endangered animals of your kind. you're just one hell of a science experiment. if i were a scientist, i would risk millions so as to conduct a study on you. well, i wouldn't be interested in YOU really. i just want to dissect you.

recently, you have declared that you would have quadruplets. pig.

i cannot imagine what else you would expose about your personality. that you were the one who discovered the philippines? that you were a martian (ok. this is half-truth)? that you will be dying soon due to a grave incurable disease? i have my fingers crossed for the last. please give the philippines something to be optimistic about.

i cannot believe i wasted my time writing this.

heat stroke

i cannot stand the heat anymore. it's draining my energy. it's raising my appetite. it's damaging my temper. it's causing skin discolorations. it's dehydrating me.

i takes me twice the usual time dressing up on mornings. not only does my tee soaks in sweat by the time i've pulled up my pants, i've worn most of my super summer clothes, too. (note: super summer clothes and summer clothes are two different categories.)

due to the second reason stated above, my mom hates me more every time i would reason out, "pero masarap mag-shopping ngayon. sobrang init kaya dito sa bahay! and... wala na ko masuot. most of my clothes, mainit sa katawan."


it's a good thing that my physics summer class is in an airconditioned room. had it not been, i wouldn't have lasted even Ma'am Rara's sunny disposition (pun intended).

I pity those taking up Bio.


i do love the spa but i did not wish for the world to become one big sauna.

COMICS AND BIKINIS

How does it feel to live in a house with a number of people with every single one of them hating you?

I don’t know.

Ask Dat Phan.

Will he be the last comic standing?

Is he really insane?

Will he win as The Last Comic Standing? If he does, I would be surprised because he is not a single bit comical when he’s off-stage. He’s weird for one. And he becomes funnier when he’s just himself. Weird, indeed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to watch Bikini Open. I want to see a no-brainer movie. But romantic-comedies wouldn’t work for me.

“Truly Pinoy? Made in Korea?” It would be suicide. (Forgive me, millions of fans. Don’t kill me for this comment.)

Starstruck’s ultimate survivors’ “Say That You Love Me?”… It would be… uhm… it would be… can you think of a more morbid word for torturing oneself?

Bikini Open might help me answer a few of life’s most important questions.

What is happening to Filipino movies?

Are these emerging actors competent enough and worthy of thousands of peso worth of talent fees?

Why is Diana Zubiri FHM’s favorite cover girl?

Is she voluptuous or fat?

Are more packs better than six?

Why is it that Francine Prieto looks like a gay man at certain angles?

Why the fuss over half-naked bodies?

Could they have released this film if it is not summer?

Do they have a height requirement for qualifying as a contestant in Bikini Opens?

If they don’t, will I qualify? *wink*

my sister, THE CELEBRANT, and me at the coco beach in galera 

MOM

• She is gorgeous. A lot of people mistake her for my sister.
• A very gentle knock on her bedroom door will surely wake her up for she knows that one of her children needs something from her (be it her bedside as an insomnia cure or her after-bath body oil).
• She would wake up early just to cook breakfast for us.
• She has that piercing look that was enough to silence us in church when we were kids.
• She would always yell, “Gising na, tanghali na!” even if the sun has not risen yet.
• She never runs out of stories to tell. She has that special ability to chat with whoever is beside her.
• She is the best cook in the whole world. You should taste her lengua. I wonder why her kids never learned how to cook (poor my-husband-to-be).
• She is a neat freak. Clutters make her nuts.
• People used to mistake her for Beth Tamayo.
• She still calls me Ningkoy.
• She sees to it that we never get hungry. She doesn’t deprive us of junk food.
• I don’t think she sees me as a twenty year-old daughter. She still frets whenever I cross busy streets.
• She hates her flabby arms.
• She wanted to meet my boyfriend but has never reminded me of so. I guess she’s not yet prepared.
• Whenever she gets tampo she would write us long, long letters and leave it somewhere really hidden. These letters never fail to make me cry.
• I love her so much.
• Happy mother’s day, mama!

DR. VENGCO

Does it feel nice to know that you are the only person who has control over your life and your future? For me, it doesn’t. Can’t I just let fate decide for me?

When I was a baby girl, I wished to grow up as soon as possible. Why? Not only can big girls answer the phone, big girls can also decide for themselves. I hated it when my mom would pick what clothes I am supposed to wear. I hated it when my mom’s shoes would not fit me. I hated it when they say I could not watch couples kiss lips-to-lips on screen. I just couldn’t wait to grow up.

Well, here I am - a big girl, indeed. And now, I am less than thrilled to make all the decisions that would affect who I would become.

All my life, I wanted to become a doctor. I thought my determination would not wane. But come my senior year in college, the fire died. Of all my years on earth, why now? I have one single year left in UP and now I do not know what to do come graduation day. Why now? Why, oh, why? All the things that I have done in school since elementary are geared towards med school. So what now?

Here are a few reasons why I suddenly changed my mind:

1. UP squeezed out all my brain cells and exhausted all my neurons. I just Couldn’t understand why they manage to ask VERY difficult exam questions even on the most trivial topics such as soh-cah-toa. I think I would not be able to take additional years of endless reviews, tests and papers.

2. Med school equals all-nighters. A friend in PGH once told me that they consider a four-hour sleep a luxury. Well, my eyes are very prone to eye bags and I would not want my face to develop three inches of these. People might mistake me for a loser from a boxing match.

3. Still, another friend in PGH informed me that it would take him eight more years before he finishes medicine – REALLY finish medicine. I also want to settle down, for crying out loud!

4. I used to dream of becoming a dermatologist and cosmetic surgeon. But when I saw Dr. Vicky Belo in Extra Challenge, I lost all the appetite. At 50 (someone told me she is of this age), I do not want to expose my cleavage that come from fake boobs. I don’t want to forget how a tuyo looks like. I don’t want to have a queen size bed and sleep alone on it at night. That is just sad.

5. My social life is a priority. I want to hang out with my friends after work (whatever work that is), and med school would surely consume all my supposedly leisure time.

6. Jared might not be able to wait for me for such a long time. ‘Nuf said.

7. I would not want to burden my parents for quite a long time with such a high tuition fee and thousands-of-peso-worth of books – which can abuse my arm muscles.

8. An all-white ensemble forever simply would not work for me.

The big girl in me still has to decide if I would be a doctor or not. But it prefers to leave it all to the Fates.

PHYSICS AND SUCKING AT IT

i had my second long exam in physics 71 today. i am totally not a math person. i hate numbers. i cannot even memorize my cellphone number. well... there you have it, guys. you all know what my weakness is. now you know that perfect as i seem to be (BWAHAHAHAHA!!! *horns grow*), i still dread mathematical equations.

i cannot believe that i had three items which i answered in a very systematic yet unrecommended method. i counted all my "sure" answers and tallied the A's, B's, C's, D's and E's. (Yes, ladies and gentlemen, our physics exam is a multiple-choice type of exam and my nose bled still.) I would not present the tally here since it would totally pull down my "image" if you find out the total number of my only "sure" answers. i found out that option C had the greatest probability of being the correct choice. since i believe that every item is independent of the other items, then the circle under option C would be the best one to shade.

others may disagree with me especially if they have less uncertain items than me. but, tell me, do i have a choice? examining probabilities is way easier than solving physics problems, anyway.

Neat, eh?

Hey! at least i did not resort to eeny-meeny-miney-moe!